In a strong marriage you have no secrets from each other. Most, if not all, married couples share secrets between them alone, those things that no one outside the couple unit needs to know, for whatever reason. Each part counts on the other to guard the secrets of the marriage from the outside world. I’m not talking about psycho couples who have a drifter buried in the backyard, but normal couple secrets like what goes on behind the bedroom door or how much money is in the savings account. When you marry you stand before your family, friends and god, if you are into that sort of thing, and promise to love, cherish and honor each other, to me, spoken or not, this means keeping your shared marital secrets.
In my marriage, as in so many other, my husband is my best friend. That puts more importance on those secrets, both as husband and best friend, I look to him to have my back, to protect me in all aspect, as I protect him. I think that is why I am struggling so much with something that has happened, I feel double betrayed and it hard for me to work past the feeling of hurt and anger to plan for the next phase in our lives together.
I will say, while I hate what he did in sharing something that was private between the two of us, I love him more. This is not a ‘deal breaker’ offense, no one is packing, no one is calling an attorney, no one will be fighting over custody of the dogs. As a couple we have discussed, between us, things that intrigued us, that if given the opportunity we may step outside our comfort zone and try. Nothing illegal or immoral, just exciting compared to our average life, a life we love, but still, you get it. Recently the opportunity presented itself while I was out-of-town with friends. It was a perfect storm of opportunity, safety, being relaxed and comfortable. I stepped outside the box, knowing my husband was going to love hearing about his brave, adventurous wife.
The betrayal was, in his enthusiasm, he shared this secret meant only for the two of us with a friend. A friend who in no way had indicated an interest in anything of this nature. Not just “a friend”, but one of my closest friends, who I see at least once a week. Then there was the way the information was presented, in a way that made me look very bad, as if I went out-of-town looking to behave badly, which was not the case at all. So now I feel awkward about facing her and am angry with him of putting the burden on her of knowing things never intended to be shared.
In the aftermath of learning this I was hurt, angry and sad. I felt shame for something I have no reason to be shameful of. I felt I could no longer trust the one person I should be able to count on the most. The more he tried to explain, the more angry I became, as I felt he was trying to excuse his behavior and discount my pain. I don’t know how to get past this, part of me want to just go on with life as normal, but another resents how easily he can pretend nothing happened. I don’t know when a happy medium will come into our life, a life I feel is worth fighting for, this will not break us, but the cracks will take time to mend.
I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of loss for the strong bond we shared. I hate feeling I can’t trust him. I hate thinking about what the future holds, as that seemed so clear only a few days ago. If I had a time machine and could go back, I would do everything different, even though I did nothing wrong, I would not have given him the ability to hurt me, to hurt US like he has.