It’s been a long time, too long. I’m in one of those places in my life were everything seems to have reached maximum capacity all at the same time. I felt like I was being dragged down by the literal weight of life, desperately searching for a corner of nothing to clear my cluttered mind. In my panicked state, I felt that my blog was just another “to do” on my list, when the reality is, this blog IS my corner of calm. Here I can unload- free of judgment or discussion. I can vent, I can joke- I can unburden my mind when it needs it the most. So, I’m back!
So much has happened since my last entry. The last few blogs were about a troubled time in my otherwise rock solid marriage. We are fine. Looking back I think the fact that so much of what weighed me down was closing in, I made a bad situation much worse. In some ways it was my way to control and cope. While I felt I had no control over so much going on in my world, that situation, how I perceived it, how I reacted to it, how I gave it importance was completely in my control. While it was a negative, there was a strength in feeling in control, of something.
On the list of “Things Beyond My Control”- first up is work. My company was going through a transition, a sale and for all the don’t worry discussions with my boss, I was very worried that when the dust settled, a pink slip and farewell cake was in my near future. Along with that dread and fear, boredom. I’m a right brain kind gal, I need to have projects to occupy my thoughts, without them, I tend to wonder and that often leads to over thinking that which I have no control. It seemed like months of hurry up and wait as the transition was planned and finally executed. Much of that time I felt like a human mushroom, in the dark, being fed small amounts of bullshit, just enough to keep me alive, but not enough to thrive. I was on alone in my boredom, so at least there was a sense of fearful community in my mushroom world. At the end of the day, the clouds of doom parted and I was happy to learn I was in fact safe and the changes to my immediate world were minimal, or so I thought. I have taken on a new group, which is a challenge on many levels. The work itself is fairly easy and without challenge, however, righting the wrongs of the past can be difficult for some. I’m always amazed when someone leaves a company and you learn how crazy their manner of doing things was. I’m one to find the most efficient way to manage a task, to make it easy for all parties, but others like to create busy work and drama for themselves. No thank you. Needless to say, the added work has been another reason my blogging was put on hold.
Next up on the list- my health. While I talked in many blogs about the challenges of living with a debilitating condition, things have gotten so much worse. I am scheduled for a knee replacement in a few weeks. Nothing makes you feel “old” like needing replacement parts. While preparing for that, my shoulder decided my knee was getting too much attention and decided to just stop working, or so it felt like it. The list of what is going on there is crazy- but long story short, its painful, REALLY painful all the time. Hoping it improves with physical therapy before my knee surgery, as it’s the opposite shoulder, so I kinda need it to be working and pain-free! And let me tell you, non-stop pain drains you. I could sleep 24/7 and still need a nap. Everything feels like a struggle.
And next we have “The Girl”- who, I can’t believe, starts high school NEXT WEEK! She has had a crazy busy summer, with cheer, swim, camp, a job and a typical teen social life. I am so glad the relationship with her mom has greatly improved over the past several months as well, because it takes everyone being on the same page and working together to keep this girl where she needs to be, when she needs to be there and with the proper gear. I have no clue how parents with multiple kids, in multiple activities do it. There is one of her, four of us, plus the bench of siblings and grandparents who have picked up a shift here and there. Its exhausting just thinking about it…and the school year hasn’t even started.
With the improved relationship with Ursula comes volunteer activities that due to my Virgo personality I’ve taken on too much. I am working with her on both the annual function for a charity that is her job and fundraising for the cheer team for school. I need to learn to say no, but when people find out you are willing to help, the requests don’t stop and before you know it, you are way over extended. Hence, no time to blog!!!
And on top of all that I feel is going on in my life, I feel my friends have so much going on with them and I need to be there to support them, as they do for me. Dick and Jane, god love them, they still have the nightmare situation with his daughters and evil ex-wife. I could write books on that topic, but the short version for now is the mother is attempting to find every excuse for the girls’ behavior that isn’t her parenting and hatred of their father, she has one convinced she’s autistic and the other that she has fibromyalgia. Neither condition has every been mentioned by the many doctors, therapist and specialists she has taken the girls to, all on Dick’s dime. Another friend has been struggling with her own health issues, as well as her mother’s cancer diagnosis and father’s failing health. Another friend is mourning the loss of her mother to a sudden and tragic passing, made all the more tragic as questions of her own father’s involvement loom over the family. When I type that all out, I really feel like a whiny baby for complaining about my overwhelming life!
So, that is my summer in a nutshell. Sleep, work, stress, repeat. I feel I can’t take much if any “me time”, so the least I can do is get back to blogging, if nothing else, to free my mind and maybe the rest of this stuff won’t feel so overwhelming.