More with my friend Jane.
Jane is not a southern belle, but I love her anyway. Not being from the south I feel there are times where patience is not Jane’s strongest virtue. She is a “fixer”- in her world there is a problem, you fix it or you talk it to death. The ongoing issues with the kids and the resulting strain on her marriage with Dick they have a list of therapist on retainer like most southern belles have caters! There is one for the family, one for each kid, one for marriage counseling and now, one for Jane.
Now, one might thing with all these professionals and scheduled (and paid for) time to talk, there would be no need to have your issues consume your life. Well, the issues aren’t fixed, so guess what, the search for a fix continues. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the power of therapy- been down that road myself and found it very helpful. However, the key to good therapist/patient relationship is each party must know when to speak and when to LISTEN. Jane has a hard time with the latter.
What I didn’t share in my last blog was for the first several years of her relationship and marriage to Dick, she had positive and loving relationship with his two girls. Something happened that caused a shift, seemingly overnight. The theory is the girls’ mother, who will call Medusa, came up on some online venting of Jane’s (oh the power of social media) and shared it with the girls to prove Jane to the evil stepmother Medusa has painted her to be all along. There was no proof this actually happened (yes, she vented and yes, Medusa found it, but the part about the girls knowing)- but this is what Jane holds on to as the reason for everything that is wrong, especially with Mary, the older of the two. Rather than address it at the time, one of the many therapist said it should not be addressed, at least not with the children. Jane could not fully accept this and could never let it go. Without fail this is brought up in any conversation about girls or the current state of her relationship. I have told her she needs to move on, leave it in the past and look toward the future, both for her marriage, her relationship with her stepdaughters and her own sanity- but bless her heart, she just can’t. I have advised to just do as the therapists have suggested, to let the girls come to some peace on their own and not force the situation, but of course, keep a mental inventory of everything that is happening should you need it later. But God love her, she can’t. In no time at all she is wanting to bring it up or discuss whether or not it should be addressed in a session (we are going on YEARS with this now).
Personally- I see no good coming from addressing what Jane feels is the elephant in the room. I think the only thing that will come from this is her true (and negative) feelings about the girls and their mother will become the focus. I truly believe she will look like the bad guy, whereas now she is kind of looking like a victim of a bitter ex-wife and a bratty teenage girl. I wish I could get her to see the benefit of keeping her mouth shut, at least on this topic. She got caught, it sucks and feel for her, as we all need to vent from time to time and she thought she was in a safe space, but to rehash it now will only look like she is needing to defend and validate what happened so long ago. Medusa will come out smelling like a rose and Mary will have validation for her hateful behavior.
So, now we wait to see how this plays out. I hope Jane will find a safe place with her new therapist and in turn find some peace in her life, lord knows she deserves at least that!