The Truth About Lies

Funny how things come full circle. I started this blog almost a year ago, mainly as a way to purge my thoughts of a house guest from hell, a “friend” who had created a web of lies he called a life, but showed his true self during a visit to my home. Due to my connections with this person, I didn’t want to put him on blast, to out him to our social circle which included people from non-profit organizations we both worked to help (or so I thought). I had my blog, my safe place to purge, to vent. However, in the past year this person’s web of lies came crashing down around him. Grains of truth started to pour throw the cracks as his lies crumbled. It wasn’t long before he was excised from my social circle, I had hoped for good.

The thing about people whose life a life built on lies, they rarely stay gone for long. They believe their lies and believe if they repeat them to enough be people, others will be believe them too. This person resurfaced last week. He is spreading more lies, playing the victim and attempting to discredit a lot of good people and the work they do. He is nothing but a con man and attention whore. And to further his lies, he is involving thousand of people via social media. People who have been shielded from his true self, who myself and others have not wanted to drag into the drama, as we have truth on our side. But he went there. He posted all over social media lies for no reason other to make himself the victim. Why do people do that? Why must adults act like children for the sole purpose of attention.

And the clean up is exhausted. Answering questions, defending yourself and others. Providing proof of your actions, actions taken to protect a group, actions you never thought would be questioned or turned into something so far off the mark it unrecognizable. But I will say, for those to take a step back, who looks at how both sides handle the situation, actions to speak louder than words. Some “friends” may have been lost along they way, but in reality, they were not friends. They were associates of convenience. People who were easily swayed, some by the drama that certain people are drawn to. Some with misplaced loyalty for a liar. The latter, they will one day be burned the way I was…and maybe they too will start a blog as a way to cope.


Wow…. just WOW!

For those who have followed my blog, the endless drama with my friend Jane, her husband Dick and his daughters, Mary and Sue provide an endless supply of blog worthy material. When last we checked in on the family Mary’s journal had been left in plan sight and was filled with dark thoughts and talk of death. For the better part of the past year, all attention has been focused on Mary and her anxiety and depression, which does not seem to be getting better, so much so the girls’ mother, Medusa, reached out to Dick for a meeting with Mary’s psychiatrist. Medusa has gone out of her way to work against Dick when it comes to parenting and their children, so it’s a rare thing for her to suggest a united front. They met and very little came of it;  more therapy, encourage her to be more open (which to this point she has not been, at all) and a possible evaluation in a few months if that doesn’t help.

During this time, Sue, the younger daughter, has become closer with Jane and expressed on numerous occasions that she is happier in her father’s home than at her mom’s. One reason is she feels that her mom let Mary get away with doing what she wants; no chores, be mean to Sue, not attend school if she is stressed. Sue has a medical condition that causes her great pain and other issues, so she too misses a great deal of school (over 30 days last year, so much so both parents were called in multiple times to discuss). Part of me felt that Mary was being over dramatic with her issues to gain some of the attention that Sue had been getting for years due to her medical condition, as it is normal for kids to compete for parents’ attention. Now the tables have turned, Mary is getting the bulk of the parental attention and concern, and it seems Sue is not happy.

The girls returned to Dick and Jane’s home on Sunday. Monday was Jane’s birthday and neither girl made mention of that fact until Sue came down just before bed to wish her a happy birthday. Sue said she had not forgotten, but had not been feeling well. My guess was she was laying the ground work to miss yet another day of school (she has already missed 4 days this year, this is her 3rd week of classes). Tuesday was the meeting with Mary’s team of therapists and Wednesday Sue had a meltdown at dinner. Out of the blue she got angry when discussing a school project that had been discussed multiple times. At first it appeared to be a typical hormonal teen outburst, but shortly after while in a full sobbing breakdown she told her father she had been pretending to be happy at his house, that she felt she had to be the perfect child to be loved because Mary was so messed up and only her mother understood her. Wow… just WOW. Literally the week before this same girl was texting Jane telling her how her mom and her were once again arguing and she really wanted to live with her father full-time. This has been going on for months , yet NOW she claims it was all lies? I am not buying it. To add to the WOW factor, she woke up this morning and told her father she needed a “mental health” day off from school. That she just couldn’t deal with it and she was stressed over her father trying to control her life. WHAT THE HELL?!?!!? Keep in mind, this kid has missed 4 days in less than 3 weeks and with the holiday she already has had an extra day off this week. She is 13, it not “controlling”, it’s called GOING TO SCHOOL!

Sadly, Dick let her stay home. WOW

There is so much about all  this that makes me go WOW. Personally, given that every member of this family has their own therapist, as well as a family therapist, they need have come real talk, together. Dick needs to take control back from his kids. I say call their bluffs. Tell them that they need to deal with the reality of life in his house. Go to school, treat the other members of the house with respect and civility and do the minimal household chores they have been asked to do (which is pretty much limited to cleaning up after themselves). If they are so unhappy and only mommy understands them, let them try living with her full-time. My guess is they will miss the nice home and all that comes along with it. But Dick will never do that, he parents out of fear and this will continue, sadly until Jane leaves most likely. So, WOW to a grown man being afraid to stand up to his kids.

Jane is now actively looking at job opportunities out-of-state. WOW. I really never thought it would come this, but I can’t say I blame her. Literally EVERYDAY it is something else, and not a small something, but big major shit. She’s not an evil stepmother. She has done her very best to be a positive influence in these girls’ lives, only to have it thrown in her face and be told any kindness showed her was faked. While I know Dick loves her, at what point do you see that your kids are jerks who are looking to ruin your life for no real reason, not like mom and dad will get back together if Jane were to be out of the picture. It’s all so sad, for everyone, but Dick is doing no one any favors by allowing this behavior to continue.

So, wow… just WOW.

Zingers & other tricks of the insecure

Ursula, my husband’s ex-wife and mother of “The Girl” prides herself on her “zingers”- those backhanded compliments that are offered up so sweetly one may actually thank her for the compliment, when in fact she is insulting something about you or your character. My husband, bless his heart, he claims that people do not know she does this, that she so skilled in this southern art form that no one is the wiser. I call bullshit. I picked up on it immediately and not in the “it takes one to know one” way.  She flung a zinger my way this morning, “complimenting” me on how good I am at my job, a “job” she feels is beneath her position, when the reality is, I have been with my company over eight years, in that same time she has had approximately six different jobs and I make roughly double what she does, but yet she looks down on me (for many reasons, I’m sure). As always, I caught it immediately and flung it back with the same sugar sweetness, two can play this game.

The thing about zingers is they are a tool of the insecure, for the most part. If you aren’t confident in your point of view or fearful that the other person has something worse they can hurl back at you, you use fake niceness to be a bitch. I am more of a straight forward bitch. It’s not to say I’m hateful and hurtful for the sake of hurting other’s feelings for pleasure (ok, sometimes I do), I tend to be of the school of “say something nice or say nothing at all”, but when I do feel the need to say something, I’m honest and upfront. People like Ursula, those who are fake and have a life built on half-truths and out right lies, they know better than to chance being found out. I can only imagine the stress is puts on you to keep track of all the lies someone like Ursula tells, which brings me to the next trick of the insecure: believing your own lies.

I think the only way to live life the way Ursula and others like her do, you have to believe the web of lies you have spun for yourself. There have been times, with a straight face, Ursula has insisted that a lie is the truth. More than once, my husband was either there or has proof otherwise, yet with indignant confidence, she will stand her ground. She holds firm because most of her lies have a grain, no matter how small, of truth. This is so, if she is called out on these lies and fabrications, she can play dumb and claim a misunderstanding of some kind. I have told my husband, who gets so frustrated with the fact that Ursula seems to have so many people fooled by her bullshit, is that no one really cares enough to call her on it. These aren’t huge lies, they are small things to make her life seem better than it is, to make her appear to be more successful or accomplished. People know, they see her fakeness a mile away and she simply is not important enough to them to call her out. So, they slap on a fake smile and pass out their own zingers. A vicious circle of bullshittary. It is actually sad when you think about it. I would hope that my friends would tell me when I’m making an ass of myself. When I have said or done something to embarrass myself or others. To have people not care enough, to stand by and watch you stack those cards in hopes of being there to witness your house falling, those are not real friends.

Along with the self inflated sense of self, the use of social media is a handy tool for the insecure. They can post only the good about their lives and exaggerate those as well. They can “friend” dozens upon dozens of people they barely or do not know at all, just to say they have more friends and likes to their self-serving posts. Big fake smiles in photos only taken at the best angles in ideal lighting. When you pick up on someone who is like this, you can see a distinct pattern to their posts, that is usually when I hit the unfriend button and move on. We all need that mirror, those people in our lives who will clue us in to that which we can’t see.