A New Kind of Hell

So much has changed for this Southern Belle since my last blog. The life I thought I had with my husband was for the most part one big lie. I had written a couple of blogs about our relationship/marriage, even shared that we had gone to marriage counseling, as our marriage was not perfect. The reality is I had no idea how “not perfect” it was. When I did learn, I was done. There as no “fixing” it, cheating is/was a deal breaker. Not only had he cheated, but he had brought a woman to my house, MY home, that I had worked so hard to have. I found evidence he could not deny days before Christmas. My first reaction was for him to pack his shit and leave, but then I thought of The Girl, his daughter who I loved more than I ever could have imagined loving a child. I didn’t want to completely ruin her Christmas, I knew once she learned our marriage was over and that would mean a change for her and I as well, life would never be the same, but I wanted to give her one last happy Christmas. He agreed, moved to the TV room in the basement and we went about life under the same roof as a very separated couple. That was a Monday, by Thursday morning, the hell of a second divorce was no longer my reality, I was a widow, dealing with all the pain and ugly that comes with a sudden and selfish death.

My husband was out of options. He had imploded our lives for attention of other women, women who he didn’t really want or who didn’t really want him. It was all too boost his fragile ego. In addition to the infidelity, he had also been concealing huge financial troubles that I could never have imagined. He has painted himself into a corner from there was little escape, certainly not an easy one. He was facing the loss of his home with no means of getting a decent place to live. He would have to tell his daughter why our marriage was over, likely causing her to be so angry she would want nothing to do with him, at least in the short term. The woman he had been seeing for nearly a year had no interest in a full time relationship, the fact he was “free” likely would cause her interest in him to fade, if not completely disappear. Everyone would know his ugly truth- as a narcissist, that is the worst possible outcome- for the house of cards to come falling down leaving him exposed. He took an easy out. Easy for him, the most difficult out for those left behind.

There was no note or goodbye, so I will never know if he intended to die or if he was trying to scare me into forgiving one last time. All I know is he is gone. The mess he left, for me to clean up, seems endless. I’ve come to feel that hell is not the place those who lie, cheat and steal go when they die, but hell is the the wake of destruction they leave behind. After his death I found out just how deep his betrayal was, likely the entirety of  our lives together. I learned his daughter had known, he was careless and she saw messages with other women, a fact she kept to herself out of fear of me leaving. The depths of his financial hole came to light in the weeks following his passing. In the end, the last thing he has taken from is my ability to grieve…as I have no idea what I would even grieve, but it’s certainly not him, he doesn’t get to hurt me from the great beyond. I miss the life I thought I had. I miss thinking I was the great love of someone’s life. I miss being a family. I don’t miss HIM, as I didn’t know him at all.

Hell is real. I’m living it. All the petty annoyances of blogs before now, that wasn’t hell….this is.

More of the Same

This morning on my drive in I heard a news report about Donald Trump’s campaign rally in North Carolina last night. As I listened, I had flashbacks to the 2016 presidential race, which is not a good thing. In the 2016 race, it seemed Trump was more running against Hillary Clinton vs. running FOR President. Every rally was dominated by one liners about her emails, oh those infamous emails, and chants from his red cap wearing supporter of “look her up”. Trump seemed to be intoxicated by the chants which further fueled his misogynistic comments and behaviors. This time around, the chant has changed to “send her back”, support for his ongoing attack of four Democratic women of color in the House of Representatives.

The rally comes on the heals of days of seemingly endless tweets by Trump in which he calls the freshmen lawmakers patriotic and suggesting if they don’t love America, then they should “go back” to where they came from. The issue is, 3 of the four were born in the U.S., the fourth, was born in Somalia, but is a naturalized citizen of the United States.  So many issues here: One, how have we gotten to a place were the president has so much free time to tweet all day about people who simply don’t agree with him? Two, these women are citizen and have every right to be in this country, THEIR country and as such has the right to speak out against things they feel are wrong and need changing… basically what this country was founded on.  And finally, while many are calling Trump’s comments racist (which they are), I see them more about this man’s deep seeded hatred of women.

In typical misogynistic form, Trump is big on saying he loves woman (wink, wink), but what he means is he likes to have a pretty woman (be it a wife, mistress or his daughter) on his arm or to “grab by the pussy” and force a kiss on whenever he feels the need. He loves to objectify women. His previous and ongoing attacks of Hillary Clinton were more about his disrespect for her gender, not legitimate issues with her ability to run the county. He played to base of mostly white male conservatives who feel a woman’s place is in the kitchen (or the bedroom). I get why those people voted for and continue to support this pompous ass of man- he is one of them. But what I don’t understand is how any woman, no matter how conservative, can continue to support this man.

I know its not  just women who criticize him who are subject to “twit-storms” from the man who is supposed to hold the most powerful job in the world. The media, world leaders, previous administration members and once trusted advisers have also been on the receiving end of his childish online rants. The difference is, when he attacks woman, he goes to the lowest. When he has been accused of sexual misconduct, the same behaviors he bragged about on tape mind you, he uses the woman’s looks as “proof” of his innocence. They are “not his type”, an insult to their physical looks. He has accused Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi of having something “wrong” with her and retweeted obvious doctored/edited video clips that make it looks as if she has is having trouble speaking.  He is horrible to men, but with women its so condescending and without merit at all.

And this supporters, the throngs who come to these rallies and cheer on his hate-speech and chant these horrible things, all while he smiles from the stage so proud of what he has created. When asked today how he responded to many who felt his remarks were racist, he came back with “their are many people who agree with me”, as if having other racists agree with you makes your states true and valid.

This man is the lowest of the low. He is a continual embarrassment and   proves time and time again he has no respect for women, anyone non-white and anyone who does believe him to be a great as he believes himself to be.

Some people….

Look, as a typical southern woman I try very hard to be gracious and accepting of pretty much everyone I meet. I feel I am friendly to strangers and am quick to make new friends, especially when we have common interest or mutual friends who have introduced us. That said, there are just some people I don’t like. In some cases I have had to cut ties with people I thought were friends who have wronged me or a loved one- I usually give folks one chance to prove it was an isolated incident, but beyond that I sever ties, burn bridges and never look back. There are other cases when you meet someone and immediately get the feeling something is off. For me, when I get that vibe, I can’t get past it. I can be civil, but I will never get close & will do all I can to distance myself.

Usually it’s an easy fix- even when it is a person I work with, I can avoid and only deal with them as needed and for the sake of my job, I can slap on a fake smile and get the job done. However, I have been dealing with a situation that is no so easy.  The hubby has a co-worker, the only other male in the small office of eight, who he became instant friends with, even though they have very little in common and some pretty big differences.  I first met this guy, we will call him Fred, at a get together at our house last fall. He seemed quirky, but nice enough. His wife, Wilma, was a bit much. She is one of those women who LOVES everyone the second she meets them and finds instant connections. I was shocked to find out that she sent Facebook requests to ALL of my guest that very day, after just meeting them. I don’t have a claim on “my friends” and I am more than happy for my mutual friends to connect, makes my get-togethers more festive and fun when everyone has a close bond. But there was just something odd about how hard this woman seemed to be working to make lasting bonds, while at the same time Fred made no effort and seemed to be purposely aloof.

I started to see issues when we were invited to Fred & Wilma’s house for a party. I thought it was odd that we were invited hours before the other guests, which also meant we would be staying later than I planned. They live a good distance and in a more remote area that I’m not familiar with and I would be the one driving us home.  The whole night was odd and some facts about Fred and Wilma came to light. Seems Wilma isn’t a big fan of working, she had quit a job for no real reason with no intentions of looking for another, yet she goes on and on about being a “professor” in computer science- if you have the education and background for that, why would you just quit without notice or be working in a totally different field.

From there things just got to a point that I didn’t want to spend anytime with them at all, nor did many of my friends who had started seeing oddness with both Fred and Wilma, without me saying anything. I tried to talk to my husband about this, but he defended his friend, but making respecting my request for distance. I thought this was a discussion between husband and wife, but no, he told Fred, which only made those rare occasions when I did have to see them more uncomfortable.

Two weekends ago, after a long hiatus from seeing Fred and Wilma, they attended a birthday party for my husband at our house.  One of the last times a group of us was together Wilma helped herself to a pack of cigarettes from a friend’s purse. This happened again at the party and this time my friend said something. My husband was trying to defuse the situation, but it came off as him defending Wilma, which always seems to be the case. This past weekend, while at our friend’s who Wilma stole from, all the cards were put on the table about how we all felt about Fred and Wilma. My husband had no choice but to see things from not only my point of view, but from our friends’ as well. The added twist was, our friends have a 20 year old daughter who Wilma, along with many of our other friends, has befriended. She was invited to their house for a party, Wilma as going to pick her up and bring her back home- yet her parents were no invited and my husband and I were not going to be there. It was odd, why are 40-somethings wanting to hang with a 20 year old and be responsible for her round trip transportation, nearly an hour away?

In the end, I think I have finally gotten my husband to understand my feelings about Fred and Wilma and with luck I won’t have to deal with him trying to force me to socialize with them and at this point, I don’t see them being invited to our house. I’m sure our paths will cross, but I no longer feel obligated to try- southern or not, hospitality only goes so far, y’all.

Next Level Manipulation: The Saga Continues

As mentioned in a recent blog, my friend Dick’s younger daughter, Sue (15) was having a full psychiatric evaluation to determine what, if any, specific diagnose there is and from there the best course of treatment, given the “therapy hopping”, living full time with her mother and various medications have not seemed to helped with her core issues that prevent her from attending school. This process included multiple sessions with Sue, separate sessions with Dick and her mother, medical history reviews, interviews with former therapists (with parental consent given she is under age) and an academic review. After weeks, Dick and Medusa met with the lead doctor. I have no idea what this kind of evaluation costs, but I am sure it’s not cheap and I have no idea if insurance covers it. From what he had to say following the meeting…. nothing new was found. I was not shocked. I have long maintained based on my personal interactions with Sue before she refused to return to her father’s home or have anything to do with him and Jane and the stories they have shared over the past two years since the girls have been with their mother, that Sue is not “ill” but a manipulative young woman who loves the control she has over both her parent and derives pleasure in hurting her father.

Yesterday Jane sent me the full written report. All I can say is… WOW. This girl, at 15 years of age, was able to completely fool a seasoned professional. She lied repeatedly. This report was very detailed, yet I was quick to see incorrect or missing information, especially in her medical and education history. I am not sure if the school were not contacted and Sue and her mother gave the “details”, but this is was the part that was the most lacking and incorrect. This entire process started due to the fact that Sue refused to attend school. This was an escalating pattern with her going to back well before she was living full time with her mother. In 7th grade the parents were called in to meet with the administrator of her then private school to discuss the fact she had missed so many days it was going to be difficult for her to get caught up. Apparently, while she was taken to school when with Dick and Jane, she would go to her mother’s office (she works at the school), saying she was “sick” and Medusa would either take her home or allow her to spend the day in her office. Often, Dick and Jane were not aware of these “missed” days.  At the time the girls were still living half the time with their father, so Dick worked with the school to get the work Sue needed to make up to ensure she passed to the 8th grade by the end of the year. While she fought him on this, Sue managed to complete enough make up assignments to complete 7th grade with her class.

The start of her 8th grade year is when all hell broke loose and Sue refused to come back to Dick and Jane’s home and it was decided, for the girls’ sake, that they would live full time with Medusa, as both stated the stress of the varying rules & structures in their parents’ homes contributed to their anxiety. Even with this modified arrangement, Sue continued to miss more and more school, until once again a parent meeting was called and the school seriously doubted her ability to graduate 8th grade with her peers. Being a private school with lacked grading, both Dick and Jane felt that the frustration of Sue’s attendance and lack of desire to participate in her own success, coupled with Medusa working for the school, resulted in the school promoting her. This would mean she would go on to a new school for 9th grade, no longer their problem to deal with.

The first issue I noticed was that in the report it stated that she was at the private school mentioned above through 6th grade and went on to the new school in 7th. In addition to that, there was no mention of attendance or performance issues during 7th and 8th grade, but it was only mentioned as starting into her 9th grade year. And even that was seriously down played. Sue refused to attend school after just a few weeks of the year starting. By October she has missed over 40 full days and even more classes where she would have to leave to go to a “quiet room” due to her anxiety. Her mother withdrew her from school before the second semester started after the winter holiday break, as she had not only missed too much school to pass 9th grade, she made no attempt to do the online courses given to her as an option to get caught up. None of this was in the report. This was why Dick got the courts involved, to get help to find solutions to ensure he youngest daughter was getting the education she needs.  Yet all of this was glossed over, a brief mention, not an issue, but more as a contribution to her anxiety.

The more I read, the more I realized this girl has lied and manipulated those evaluating her, the same as she has done to her parents and so many others. She stated that she doesn’t know what she wants in the way of a relationship with her father, but it’s not something she wishes to work on at this time- yet she has been telling him how much she wants a relationship- all attempts draw him in to get what she can from him and then cut off communication when she gets what she wants or when things aren’t going to 100% her way.  It is so hard seeing my friend hurt, over and over again, by his own children.

I can’t help but wonder how much worse this girl will become as she gets older. At 15 she was able to fool professionals, what hope is there for regular people who cross her path.

 

When Good Things Happen to Horrible People

Every office, no matter how big or small, has that one person is negative, nasty and all around just a miserable person to be around. The Office Bitch (OB). As hard as you try, there is no way to totally avoid these people, being you are at work, you have to suck it up and deal with them. The OB also knows this, knows that no matter how horrible they are, others have to deal with them. They usually have weak bosses who hate confrontation and as long as the OB is doing their job, they really don’t care how “liked” they are.

For women this is a tricky situation. Women in the work place tend to gravitate together, help each other when needed and create a social and friendship network. The OB is largely excluded from this network, but there are times they must be included. In our office, birthday celebrations are one of those times when our OB is included. No one wants to be in charge of her celebration or work with her to organize celebrations for others. Her negative personality and generally hateful attitude are not even put on hold for a birthday gathering. When it is her birthday she will complain about her weight and how she only wants healthy options- yes, its HER birthday, but these are social gatherings so its for the larger group. When it is time to celebrate others people go out of their way to make amazing homemade items, often the birthday girl’s favorite things. Elaborate decorations that highlight the birthday honorees hobbies and interests are used- but not when it’s the OB, the bare minimum is done- mainly because the OB shares nothing she likes, only those things she complains about. Treats are largely store bought or show little effort, as any effort goes unnoticed or worse, the OB will complain about how she can’t eat this or that due to her latest fad diet.

Tomorrow is our OB’s birthday celebration….ugh. I will be making something, only because tomorrow just happens to be the hubby’s birthday and I am sending in treats to his office- so the OB will benefit from that effort. She will be late, as always, so we will have to wait around, as we do every year. When she does arrive we will have to force fake smiles and listen to her complain about how her husband and kids didn’t celebrate her birthday they way she felt they should. I just don’t get how people like this, who are negative to their core, can’t appreciate anything that is done for them. Celebrating a birthday with co-workers shouldn’t be this mentally taxing!

So, Happy Office Bitch Day OB… thank goodness it’s only one a year!

Why Settle?

Look, I’ve been there. My husband is my second chance at getting marriage right. I was single for 8 years before I met my current husband and trust me when I say, dating in your 30s (and beyond) is not for the faint of heart. First of all, the entire game had changed in the 15 years I had been with my ex. As hard as it was, the one thing I knew was I wasn’t going to settle. I had done that the first time around- nice guy, we were great friends, but the romantic “spark” was never really there and we got married because that was what you did after dating for several years. It was expected. While not the worst marriage in the history of matrimony, I wasn’t happy and I knew I couldn’t live the rest of my life knowing there was more to love and life than what I had.

At about the same time a friend I had known since high school was also ending her marriage. She had a young son, whereas I had no kids. Within a year she was in a relationship with a man she “dated” for eight years. Shortly after I met my current husband that relationship ended. She was crushed. She really thought he was going to marry her, even though he had been clear from the start he had no interest in being a husband or stepfather. I remember at the time her telling me he had always told her this, that he never wavered, yet she held out hope that he would change his mind as he son got older and there would be less “parenting” involved. Sadly, the next women he got involved with he became engaged to and married within a year. She was crushed, much like Sally in “When Harry Met Sally”, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be married, he just didn’t want to be married to her.

Around the time of our wedding she had started to date someone new. The new guy just happened to be someone my husband had known growing up. This guy was in no way “her type”, but within a few weeks she was talking about how he was moving in with her & her son, along with his three sons. He did in fact move in, but after a few months things weren’t working out and he moved out. Honestly, this was a blessing, as the situation with this man and his sons was not good for her son, who had always been the center of her world and who was really taking a back seat to this new man and his kids.

She cried to the hubs and myself that she needed help finding what we had. She even went so far as to have us meet up with her on her first dates when she checked out online dating- since she felt her judgement was “off”.  We agreed to meet up for double dates after she met someone and did a few times. Each time she was convinced the new one was “The One”. Finally I told her that she was giving men way too much information about her and of course they used that to seem like a perfect match to get her into bed, once that happened they would go MIA and her heart would be broken all over again.  It was a vicious cycle and I know that it can wear you down and make you want to give up. When I was single, I made some of the same mistakes and went though periods that I didn’t date, it was just too much work.

Then she met Rick. She went on and on about how great he was. How they had some much in common. He had son about the same age as her son, oddly with the same name. He lived a little over an hour away with his mom, so Rick only had him every other weekend, during the holidays and for a few weeks each summer. Being our town is small, I found out he was the cousin of a friend, so I was able to get some background on him. On paper, he did seem like the real deal and they seemed happy. Much like the other guy, she was moving Rick into her house after a short time of dating. He traveled for work, was usually gone a few nights a week and on the weekends he had his son he often opted to stay in the town where he lived to make it possible to attend ball games and other activities with friends, while still keeping visitation. She said it was just easier for him to move in with her, given how much he was gone. I can’t judge, the hubs and I moved in together quickly due to his lease being up and honestly, we knew. So, I hoped that was the case for my friend as well, I just wanted her to be happy.

The first issue was his son. Initially she had told me how great the kid was and how the boys got along like brothers. Within less than a year she hated the kid. She had nothing good to say about him, her son didn’t like him and she resented any time he was in “her” home. The quickest way to end a relationship with a person is to hate their kid, so I feared this was going to be huge issue, but things seemed to work themselves out. The boys were getting older and it was harder for Rick’s son to come to stay with them during the school year, so his visits were limited to when school was out. She only had great things to say about Rick, he was a help around the house and she seemed really happy.

SEEMED. That is a key word here. When we saw them everything was fine, but it was always in party setting so we never really got to know Rick. Last winter my friend started making comments about wanting me to find her someone new. She was still with Rick, he was still living in her house, but she was ready to move on. Then a few months ago she called me crying. I was over. Seems Rick had a major drinking problem she had hidden from everyone for past 4 years. Things had escalated to the point she had to involve his parents and brother, who convinced him to go to rehab. Somehow in all that she became the bad guy and his mother was horrible to my friend, telling her that she was no longer part of his live and she didn’t need to call to check on him. His brother came and got his belongings and that was it. Or so we thought. After nearly a year of hearing how she was done and wanted out and him being gone, a few weeks ago she drops the bomb that they are back together. Things are better now that he’s not drinking. I had a house full of people, so I just let it go. I welcomed him when he showed up and acted like everything was fine, because apparently that is what we do now.

So, my friend, who has gone from one mess of a monogamous relationship to the next is settling. She so wants to be married again that she is willing to overlook years of dysfunction.  Being sober is not easy and the fact that she likes to party can’t help. This all seems doomed, yet she doesn’t want to talk about it. She has 4+ years invested in this relationship, after losing many more years than that in the past with no ring to show for it, I really think she just doesn’t want to start over and is willing to accept Rick and the life they have as the best it can get, which makes me sad.

The White House: The New Emerald City ?

This a political blog, so consider yourself warned!

I am a liberal democrat, which many don’t associate with folks with a southern drawl. For the life of me I can’t imagine what any rational or even semi-sane person was thinking when they thought Donald J (is for JACKASS) Trump would make a good president, but many did, so here we are. This morning I heard that democratic leaders are calling on a former Nixon administration member who was convicted in the Watergate scandal way back when obstruction justice was at the very least so shameful the sitting President resided. The theory is having this man who lived with  the consequences of his role in Watergate can help draw the parallels to what Nixon did then and what Trump is doing now. The problem… Trump has no shame.

In the same news story it seems a thin majority of Americans polled feel the Mueller report found evidence that Trump did obstruct justice AFTER Robert Mueller’s comments, where as prior to his public statements the majority was favored Trump’s line that he was exonerated in the report. This is yet another case of Trump expecting people to simply believe whatever he says, because he is Donald Trump. During the campaign I was stocked on an almost daily basis by the things the said (both live and on tape) and did, thinking THAT was going to be the straw that broke the joke that was this bloated, loud, rude, DEMOCRAT who had over night changed sides because, well, as he said, the Republican voters were stupid. I guess on that he was right, as a man on wife #3, with 5 kids by 3 baby-mommas, who has cheated on ALL of this wives became the poster boy of conservatives across the nation. I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked, the conservative moral majority respect women so little they feel they have no right to make any decisions about their own bodies, so not  a stretch that they would support and man who has zero respect for women, even those he married.

While I find most of the GOP to be opportunistic bigots, I had hoped if Trump was elected they run the show from behind the curtain. Teach the buffoon how to “act” presidential, cheap him on a short leash and attempt to maintain honor in the office of the president, regardless of the overgrown toddler with the title. Nope. It quickly became clear that no one has the ability to control Trump and overnight Twitter became the platform of choice for the leader of the free world. How on earth does THAT happen. And when the press wasn’t willing to cower to his special brand of crazy,  he makes them the enemy, calling long respected publications like the New York Time and Washington Post and trust networks like CNN, NBC and others have been blasted by the President of the United States as “fake news”. He press secretary uses the same terminology on a regular basis, yet she herself has lied and when she is caught she just continues to ignore facts and attempts to make the media the bad guy. YOU LIED, own it, apologize or explain yourself, but don’t tell more lies to district…guess he man behind the curtain is to blame.

Maybe the Trump plan is to simply wear those of use who were so outraged with his win down to the point we can no longer fight. Daily Twitter wars and attacks on the media and anyone who opposes him- even death didn’t end the attacks on John McCain. He has played more rounds of golf than Tiger Woods, this after calling our President Obama for the occasional round of golf or vacation with is family, as if he was not entitled to any “down time” while being paid by the tax payers. The amount of tax payer money Trump has wasted on golf trips to his own properties (which means HE is making a profit off the tax payers as well as not working for us) is in the tens of millions at this point. Political appointments were given to big money donors, to people with ZERO knowledge in the areas they have been put in charge of, often with embarrassing results.  And speaking of embarrassments, it seems with each overseas visit Trump looks for ways to pick petty fights with world leaders, often resorting to childish name calling. During nearly all official visits, large protests happen as the anti-Trump machine is as big outside the U.S. as it is here. Long time friends of the U.S. are now foes, allies are enemies and all while Trump talks up the home vile and hated leaders around the globe, men who live off the hard working people they rule over with authoritarian hands. Living lavish lifestyles while their people go hungry and have nothing. These are the leaders he gravitates to, with whom he wants to work with, all while belittling our allies.

At times I read the headlines with outrageous quotes made by the president and I have to stop to see if its real or satire. I’m not sure what is worse, the fact SNL couldn’t come up with skits funnier than the actual blunders by the president of the United States or the fact said president wanted to SUE because they were making fun of him! And it’s not just SNL, this tantrum throwing toddler of man routinely goes on rants about how unfairly he is has been treated- THIS FROM THE MAN WHO SPENT YEARS CLAIMING OBAMA WAS NOT AN AMERICAN! Poor baby Trump isn’t being treated fair, boo hoo. His advisers have been indited and are in prison. His own children have lied under oath, yet he wants everyone to ignore those facts and believe what he says, even when what he says is the polar opposite of what he has said in the past…not even distant past, at times he will change direction from one week to another and when his previous tweets are mentioned he simply acts like they never existed. It’s just so crazy.

So, in this day of “fake news” and an even more fake president- is there anything that could happen to get him to stop? Anything that he would resign over? Will those who voted for him as the least bad of two bad options find the democratic challenger to be less horrible than he has been and vote against him? Have the past few years made people want more than the smoke and mirrors that is our new “normal”? Has outrage taken over where once there was fear? Have those who were blissfully ignorant educated themselves? Have the heartless who cared only for how politics impacted them become compassionate for their fellow man?

We’re Not The Worst!!!

I truly believe in therapy. In my past I have gone to improve myself as you get to a point when you realize it’s not “them”, it’s “me” and if I’m not willing to fix me, I’m doomed. As I posted a few blogs back (which in real time means months ago, I’m a blog slacker) I posted about some issues my husband and I were having. Mind you, these were not marriage ending issues, but in terms of home repair, small cracks in the foundation, likely from a new home settling. Marriage is hard work, anyone who says anything different is in a loveless sham of a marriage, maybe for a green card. Both my husband and I are former marriage “fails”, so we both know the signs and did not want to repeat the same mistakes. Neither of us had gone to couples counseling in our previous marriages. In my case my ex was not willing to do put in the work and in his, well, he was more of the “let things fester until you hate each other so much there is no hope”. Not wanting repeat results, we agreed to counseling.

The first step is finding the right kind of therapist. I did some research based on our key areas of disconnect and was happy to find there were a few options in our area. It’s not like our issues are “out there”, but I wanted to make sure we found the right person or I knew my hubby would quickly loose patience with the process.

Our first meeting we quickly learned we made the right call. About 15 minutes in our therapist said “shit”. She was mortified that she had let this slip, fearing how unprofessional is looked. We both looked at each other and laughed. Any apprehension we may have had immediately eased- we are not prim and proper folks, we are real and we use real language, which often means cussing  the situation calls for it. Nothing gets your point across like a well timed “f-bomb”.  After an hour of setting up the overview of our issues and what we hoped to accomplish, she told us that she felt we made the right call to come to therapy when we did. She said she could tell by our body language and how we communicated with each other that we were open to the process and could easy make the goals we said we wanted. She said many times couples wait too long and by the time they come to her they are on opposite ends of her office, no eye contact and are unable or unwilling to hear the other’s point of view. The hubs chanted “we’re not the worst”, I joined in- it was if we had turned therapy into a competition, not against each other, but against other couples.

Over the several months we talked out issues, some old, some new. She gave us homework and tools to work on things and we both were open to putting them into play. Most sessions were ended on a positive note, a few were more raw and took some time to come down from, but we always managed to stay on course with our end goal. Several weeks ago we had a session where we reported that the past 3 weeks ( a bit longer between due to other obligations) had been really good, no new issues, no back sliding on the old ones and we felt like the “us” from years prior, which had been one of our goals. When we went in last week, our next session, we literally had nothing we needed to address. Life was not perfect, no one’s is, but we were able to use the skills we had been working on to deal with them without resentment or sabotaging our relationship. We continued to feel like the couple from years prior before life and the baggage that comes with us took some of the joy from our marriage. She asked if we were ready to graduate from marriage counseling…we both agreed that we felt we could maintain on our own, if we ever needed her, we knew how to reach her.

One final “we’re not the worst” and we were on our way…we won therapy… YAY US!!!!

Manipulation: Is it learned or inherent?

While we all have the ability to manipulate others in one form or another for various reasons, there are some that have mastered the “art” of manipulation to a point that I can’t help but wonder if this is a skill that is learned and developed over time or is inherent in some. I have come across many masters in my life all adults, many of whom I did not have experience with when they are younger to know if they had once been honest and trusting and developed their manipulation skills as a way to cope with the unfairness life can dole out. But over the past few years I have witnessed what I feel is true mastery of manipulation, from a now 15 year old. In this case, I truly believe this kid was born with this level of deceptive and manipulative personality and it has only gotten stronger the more power she gains.

The kid in question is the daughter of my friend Dick- I’ve talked about Dick and his wife Jane in many posts, as well as his daughters Mary and Sue. Sue is the master manipulator of whom I speak. It has been almost two years since Dick has had his daughters in his home or even had any meaningful relationship with either. For much of this time the blame was put upon their mother, Medusa, who herself is a master manipulator who thrives on playing the victim and uses her children to continue to punish her ex-husband for sport. As time has passed and the girls have gotten older (Mary is 17, Sue is 15), it is becoming more clear that the girls, especially Sue, play a larger role in this continuing family drama.

Sue has always been able to manipulate her parents. This started at a young age using her health issues as an excuse to not do things she didn’t want to do- like attend school, work with medical (both mental and physical) professionals, not attend family functions or simply refusing to eat anything but junk, even thought doing so is what made her sick. One of the reasons Sue had issues with Jane, an outsider, she wasn’t able to control Jane like she was able to her parents. As time went on, both girls felt Jane was controlling their father, as he was starting to see things from an outsider’s point of view, not always through the eyes of a guilty divorced parent. As she got older, Sue’s manipulation skills advanced. Last summer she claimed she took an overdose of over the counter painkillers, thus resulting in high drama with being rushed to the hospital and being committed to a facility for observation. Blood-work proved a minimal, a non-lethal dose of the medication, less than even the recommended dose. She was kept less than a 72 hour hold, she was fine, physically and mentally. While even the claim would be a cry for help with any other teen, with Sue it was never to be mentioned again, as not to stress her out, but she used this as leverage to maintain control over her parents.

When she started her freshman year at a new school (her previous only went to 8th grade), she simply decided she didn’t want to attend. It started off missing  a day or calling her mother to pick her up after an hour or two, but quickly got to a point she was not attending several days a week, so much so by Thanksgiving she had missed too much to be made up to pass the full year. She was given the opportunity to do online classes in an attempt to catch up, which she simply refused to so. Her mother withdrew her from school in January and after months of not attending school at all, she finally started a tutoring program to help get her caught up, all paid for by Dick. Three days a week, 4 hours per day (starting at noon)- no homework, no pressure…. short of being able to drop out entirely at 14/15, she was able to manipulate everyone to get what she wanted, all while refusing to speak to her father, not even acknowledging texts (she blocked him at one point, from a phone and service he pays for) and blaming her stepmother, who she hadn’t seen or spoken to in over a year, so everything.

In the midst of all this, Sue decided she no longer wished to see her therapist, so she refused to attend those sessions as well. This is a pattern with her and her sister, once a therapy gets to be challenging, when work is required of them or any fault is directed at them or their mother, they want to stop. Mary has been with the same doctor for almost two years, a record with them. In that same time Sue has had three and has not seen a mental health professional at all in several months. Given all the turmoil, a full mental health evaluation was done. This took weeks to complete, with various appointments with Sue and her parents, in addition to collecting information from her previous therapists, medical doctors and school. Yesterday Dick met with the doctor and Medusa to learn of the findings: depression and distress anxiety.

As Jane shared with me some of the details, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was an accurate report or the work of 15 year old master manipulator. I think Sue has learned to say what she knows will paint the picture she wants others to see from years of therapy. Her older sister and mother both suffer from diagnosed depression, in Mary’s case it is quite severe. Given her history of near pathological lying, how hard would it be to answer the questions in a way she knows her mother or sister would answer? And “distress anxiety”- isn’t ALL anxiety triggered by stress and distressing situations? Even those without clinical anxiety become anxious in distressful situations. I think given her age people, especially new people, look for reasons for her behavior, but after seeing the things this girl is capable of- the way she can dismiss her father and treat him like he owes her so much and dangles reconciliation in front of him only to withdraw it just to see him hurt and how she has been allowed to mandate her own education and manipulated the therapeutic process, I think this kid has far bigger issues than depression and anxiety.

This got me thinking about my original question- is manipulation learned or inherent? While Medusa is also a master manipulator, I can’t help but think, when it comes to this level of skill at such a young age is inherent in Sue. She uses manipulation like a weapon, not only to get what she wants, but to hurt others, especially her father.  I feel for Dick. He is a good man, with the biggest heart and all he wants to do is what is best for his kids. He naively thought that allowing them to stay full time with their mother would be seen as an olive branch, allowing them to make the decision for themselves what living situation was best for them- this backfired. Not only was all communication on their part severed, but Sue has twisted the details to justify her choices and paint Dick as a father who abandoned them. It’s so sad to watch this man grasp at the tiniest shred of hope that he girls are willing to be part of his life, no matter how small, only to watch them crush him over and over again. But he is their father, he has not abandoned them, so he will always be there, even if it is to simply be their whipping boy.

Dick & Jane: The Saga Continues

I honestly have no idea at what point the saga was when last I posted about my poor friends, Dick & Jane. In that time, things have gone from bad to worse. And when we all thought it could not bet any worse, it did. Big time.

The girls, Mary (17) and Sue (15) have been living full-time with their mother, Medusa, for 15 months. This arrangement, which was to be temporary to allow the girls a “break” from the stress of the vastly different rules between the household, did not play out as planned. The “plan” had been while they would not spend every other week at Dick and Jane’s home, they would spend time with their father on the weekends and a dinner mid-week as schedules allowed. Immediately the younger, Sue, refused to spend any time with Dick, in addition to refusing his calls or reply to his text messages. Initially Mary did spend time with her father and for the first time in many months seemed to be relaxed and opening up more. Dick, while missing his daughters, felt that his personal sacrifice was worth it if they were happy and thriving. That feeling was short-lived.

It became apparent that Sue was not attending school, the claims had been her “health issues”. In first 100 days of schools she had missed over 40 days and had not gone to the doctor for any of the medical issues Medusa claimed she was suffering with. It had gotten so bad that the school called in Dick and Medusa to discuss the situation, which had been done the year prior as it had been an on going issue. Sue somehow managed to get caught up and attend class enough to be promoted to 9th grade, which would mean a new school, the same that Mary had been attending for the past two years. Mary, who has issues with depression and anxiety, had thrived her freshman and sophomore years. I think getting into her own environment actually helped Mary quite a bit. Not only was she doing well in school, she was responding more to her therapy, even joining and participating in group therapy with other teens with similar issues. All in addition to bonding more with her father.  As is often the case, that progress was short-lived, for both girls.

Over the summer, Sue battled with Medusa and claimed she had taken some pills, resulting in a trip to the ER and being committed on suicide watch. Medusa didn’t feel the need to inform Dick until it was all said and done, as it always the case with this woman. By this time Mary had stopped communicating with Dick as well, for reasons that were not explained, but the guess is mom was feeling hurt that Mary was bonding with her father, the man Medusa has claimed abandoned his children and “dumped” all the parenting responsibilities on her. Not a week after this “suicide” attempt, Medusa was calling Dick asking for money for a camp trip for Sue. He said he didn’t feel a minimally supervised camp with no mental health professionals was a good plan for a girl who had recently been committed to a psychiatric facility on suicide watch and was unable to attend school for nearly half the school year due to extreme and untreated medical issues.

At one point over the summer Sue had reached out to Dick and wanted to see him. He was happy to hear from her and quick to make plans. They met for coffee, it was very casual with discussion of making additional plans in the near future. But as had happened with Mary, Sue stopped replying to her father’s texts with no explanation and weeks went by with no communication at all. When her therapist at the time asked about the meeting and plans to spend more time with Dick, she simply said she was planning to see him “for this birthday”, which was over a month away. And of course, his birthday came and went, with no word from either daughter, just one more heartbreak to add to the list.

Once school started, the second year living with their mother full-time, things seemed to race downhill at a frenzied pace. Almost immediately Sue was missing school, sometimes full days, other time just missing classes due to her anxiety. Mary was also struggling, she was missing school and her grades were slipping. It was almost as if having her younger sister at the same school, not attending class or having to worry about her grades was making Mary not care to do those things either.  Dick was more in the loop at this school and it was quickly apparent Sue was not going to succeed. Meetings with teachers and the administration followed. Medusa made excuses that Sue’s medical issues and anxiety were the cause and for all their efforts nothing seemed to help, yet she had missed many therapy appoints, wanted to yet again change therapists (for the 3rd time in less than two years) and had not had Sue into see her family doctor specialists for her physical issues. It was determined the school could not help her get caught up on her missing assignments, especially given that her mother was not confident that she would be able to attend school with any more regularity than she had been to date. Both Sue and Medusa suggested online schooling for the remainder of the term, which would be about two months, including the winter break.

As if that weren’t bad enough, within a week of Sue being released from the obligation of attending classes, Mary’s struggles became worse, to the point that in a meeting about Sue, Medusa mentioned, almost in passing, that she felt Mary was suicidal and she was worried about her. Once again, a flurry of worry, then wait, as once the discussion turned to committing Mary for a suicide watch came up, things were not “so bad”. At the end of the day, Mary was committed. Once her medications were adjusted and she showed signs she was responsive and no danger to herself, she was sent home.

So, in 15 months, being with their mother as all claimed would be “best” for both girls, both have been committed to facilities due to suicide attempts or thoughts. One has all but been kicked out of school and has done very little of the online work, so the odds of her catching up are slim to done. It’s obvious to Dick, Jane and the professionals that things can not continue as they are, so come the first of the year, there are going to be changes….changes that are going to make things MUCH worse before they get better, but with luck, they will get better….eventually.

Stay tuned….