Last night, as I was sitting on the couch I bought, in the house I pay the mortgage on, watching TV I pay the DirectTV bill for, I received a message from my husband’s former sister in-law. I have talked about Ursula, mother of “The Girl”, but I haven’t mentioned my husband’s first wife, mother to his now 22 yr old son. We will call her Glenda, as she is a good “witch”. I have had zero issues with Glenda. Her and my now husband have been divorced for over 20 years and truth be told, they never should have married. Their son was a “happy accident” and they married only to separate before “The Boy” had his first birthday. Both moved on, remarried and started families with their new spouses. This was LONG before I came into the picture. Much like I love the girl, I adore my stepson. He’s a sweet young man, who I enjoy spending time with when we can- but he’s a young adult with life of his own. What happened in the nearly 2 decades before I entered the picture is not all as amicable as it is now. Time heals a lot of wounds (so I thought), so Glenda, her family and my husband get along very well. I have met and spent time with many members of their family and was, until today, friends on Facebook with both Glenda and her sister. So, that is the back story.
We are dog people. We have two dogs, who are my children, since I have no human offspring of my own. Yes, they are purebred and while I support rescues with my time and money, my choice is to “adopt” my kids from reputable breeders. We have been planning for some time now to add a little boy to our family and have the good fortune to have been chosen to bring home our new puppy in October. We are very excited and like so many do in this age of social media over sharing, my husband and I both have posted pictures online. To be clear, the breeder of choice is not inexpensive, however my choice was not based on it being a “designer” dog, but rather the personality and size, plus I fell in love with the breed nearly 20 years ago, long before I met my husband. I have asked no one for help to buy my dogs and aside from a loan for a medical emergency that was paid back ahead of schedule, I have never asked anyone to pay to for the care of my dogs.
Back to the message I received. I opened the message, assuming it was going to be political in nature, as our shared loathing of the current administration is a common bond for myself and the sister in-law, I was shocked as I read her long rant about how my husband was a deadbeat when it came to his son and how horrible it is for him to be buying a “designer dog” when he can’t help his son with his college expenses. First of all, WOW, the brass balls it takes to send that kind of message. I replied that yes, I agree that in past my husband had not always been there for his son the way he should (this is not internally about money), however I am actually the one covering the cost of the new puppy, as I did with the first of the breed we got three years ago. I really hoped that would be the end of it, nope. She replied that as a married couple its assumed our finances are combined (this from a woman who lived with a man for years, only recently married him so he could get on her insurance, so my guess is their finances aren’t fully merged) and how hurtful it was to see his father choosing an expensive dog over him- she was speaking for her nephew. My second reply was less courteous:
“Our finances are combined, but I make about double what The Husband does. He is far from perfect and a shitty employment history and having another kid when he couldn’t afford The Boy means after child support for The Girl , his phone and car (which he only has because of me), he barely has enough to cover gas. I’m not saying I’m wealthy, if I was I would be paying for The Boy’s college and then some. And it may sound cruel, but I paid my way through college- not one penny from anyone. And now I have paid off my debts, bought a house (me, it’s only in my name) and I can get the things I have put off for years- like designer dogs and impractical cars and Sister Inlaw I’m not going to feel guilty for that.”
We do help the boy, when he comes to us. We have helped fix his car on a few occasions, given him cash for birthdays and Christmas at his request and far more than we would have spent on actual gifts. When he has lost or broken one of the several cell phones he has had over the years, we have helped there as well. So, my husband is not a deadbeat, but he is no position to cover the cost of tuition or commit to other expenses because HE does not have the means to do so. This is not my responsibility and I do not appreciate being taken to task for anything I have or do because someone feels they know a better ways for me to spend MY money.
It sucks that The Boy doesn’t have rich parents who can cover all his expenses for school, but that puts him in the majority, as most people do not have that. As I mentioned to his aunt, I paid my way through school, as did his father and my guess, so did his mom and aunt. Does it suck to have loans and debt when you graduate, yeah, it is, but along with that you also have your education and with that prospects for a better future. Maybe because of the way I had to do it, my feeling is college students should have some “skin in the game” when it comes to paying for school, as it does make them more accountable for their success.
So, I had to unfriend a few folks and vent in this blog, hopefully that will help calm me down, as I’m still fuming over this. What really pissed me off, no one asked for help. It’s not like The Boy or his mother came to my husband or myself and ask and we said no, we are would rather get a dog. The only discussion was when The Boy first graduated, when he wanted to put off college to see if his band would take off and his mom approached my husband about paying for school, as a way to get him to choose furthering his education over the pipe dream of being a rock star. Not “help” with expenses, but thousands of dollars to cover tuition and housing- FAR more than what the puppy will cost.
Unless I ask you to pay my bills, I would expect you to NOT tell me how to spend my money….thank you very much!
Southern Belle in Hell 